Sexless Marriage

[internet]

what are your views on sexless marriage?

[henrymore]

To me I think a relationship without
sex is very sad... its lonely.. and its
confussing. What about the bond
that sex brings 2 people? What about
the closeness the intimacy brings..

[jeaniem]

Most people have problems in the sexual area.  This does not change when two people get married.  Sex in marriage is good according to how giving and loving the two people are in relation to each other.  Unfortunately, because the majority of humans have had an experience of incest during their growing up years, they are in much reaction to their parents and to sexuality, and, they carry much mental and emotional baggage (in the form of subconscious memories and feelings) into the relationship. 

If a married couple chooses not to have sex, that is their choice and their business.  However, if that decision is based on a selfish reaction to a sexually abused childhood, then the decision to not have sex may keep them from reacting to each other, however, that decision will also seal off important negative memories and feelings that are crucial to a healing process.

Allowing subconscious negative sexual memories and feelings to be triggered and come to the surface (conscious) can be an opportunity for deep self-reflection and conscious choices not to indulge in selfish reactions and make choices in present time to do what the person knows is right and loving.

Not having sex, if based on avoidance, is not the best action  to deal with this reality.  Identifying negative thoughts, feelings, and reactions in the sexual area and working through them would be a healthy process. 

[Buttafli35]

I agree that many issues in our past can keep us from enjoying sex with our spouse. It was God's will for sex to be enjoyed by married people only so when there's a problem it really needs to dealt with quickly. Sex helps couple maintain the oneness. It is a great joy and wonderful time of sharing and bonding.

If there are any problems with sex in the marriage, the couple should talk about it and consult with their pastor. They may need to go to other professionals who can assist them with their issues to keep the marriage strong. Everyone has experience one thing or another in life, hopefully you have an understanding spouse who is willing to stick by yours side as the both of you work thru the issues.

[Nilet]

The answer to that one is both. Some of the people in our sample never had much sex from the beginning, while others identified a particular time or event (childbirth, affair) after which sex slowed or stopped. Some people become accustomed to their spouse, bored even, and sex slows. For others, it is the demands of raising a family, establishing a career, and mid-adulthood. And there are people who have very low sex drives, and may even be asexual. They may have some sex with their partners to begin with, but it becomes unimportant to them (and usually not so unimportant to their spouses). These folks may also be dealing with guilt, issues with the human body, or feel that sex is “dirty” or only for procreation. A small number of couples showed a mixed pattern, where they would have periods of “feast” and of “famine.”

[The American Dream]

Couples shouldn't feel like they have to stick to once a week during stressful or tumultuous times. And of course, there can always be an off-week — or longer. As Steinhart notes, "Sex and sexual expression change along with the longevity of a relationship, ebbing and flowing during a lifetime." But the good news, she says, is that the ebb is "natural — and you can get back to the flow easily."

But when a couple has had a long period — say, several months — without sex, it's important to address the problem, so months don't become years, Tessina says. "Some couples won't have sex for two years and then come in to my practice and ask for help. We can get to the bottom of the problem at that point, but it's more challenging. If they haven't had sex for a couple of months, that's when they really should be asking questions. That's a good time to come in and have therapy. Otherwise, anger and frustration builds, and it takes longer to fix it that way."